Wednesday 28 May 2008

Manners

Every morning I take the bus to work, six days a week, fifty weeks of the year, over the last four years. It gives me the opportunity to observe the behaviour of my fellow human beings. Small, almost invisible, actions reveal a great deal about a persons character. Do we push ahead in the queue, do we offer our seet to an elderly person, do we help a mother with a pram board the bus? Sadly in my experience over the last few years, the answer is a resounding no. And what does this say about us? How does this reflect upon the society we live in?

Common decency, good manners and civil politeness have, in my opinion, become endangered species. It is no longer the norm to have a sense of basic etiquette but the exception. People push and shove to get to the front of a queue with no regard to those forming a line. People turn their heads away when an elderly person comes near. People remain in their seats as they watch a mother struggle to get a laiden pram onto a bus. And this failure of the most basic human decency is not solely confined to my daily commute. Elsewhere, in every aspect of daily life I come across this indifference. Dealing with a bank, getting help in the supermarket or a shop, trying to get help over the phone, there is a whole array of interactions that people simply fail to give the basic level of courtesy.




Before I get accused of generalizing, which of course I am, I should explain that I live in Marbella on the Costa del Sol, Andalucia, Spain. And why should this relate to what I am writing about? Simply put, each country and more specifically, each culture, has it's own norms about etiquette. Here, for example, it's quite natural to shout rather than talk, it's almost obligatory to speak at the same time. What one person finds rude, may just be a cultural difference. I have witnessed many an arguement caused by such misunderstandings. That is an aside. Nearly all countries and cultures share a basic understanding of common decency. Here, I constantly hear people talk about the "mal educacion" of so and so. That simply translates to someone being badly behaved. But it seems we all are "mal educado".




So what has happened? Has life become so demanding of us, has our time become so limited, has our personal space become so invaded, that we have neither the time nor the inclination to bother about our behaviour? I believe that explains it in part. But good manners come to us at an early age and then they stick with us.


In my experience parents that spend time with their children, those that get invloved in all aspects of their children's lives, and those that provide a stable environment tend to raise well behaved children. Those children then carry the set of values they have absorbed with them for the rest of their lives. I would point out that I make no assertion as to a particular family set up. A parents love for a child and their ability to impart knowledge does not have to be confined to a nuclear family model. It was not in my case. Yet in our generation, the time parents have for their children has been greatly reduced. Children today learn most of their behaviour from the television, internet and friends. And therein lie the real culprits. In the world of multi-media there are no parameters, no guidelines, no points of reference. More and more the images that are broadcast show people being cruel, spiteful and hostile. For example, reality programmes on television demand the worst of their participants. Instead of being rewarded for aspiring to be better those that take part are belittled and ridiculed. This then constitutes the accepted pattern of behaviour. More ofte than not those who show almost no respect for their fellow human beings, or themselves, are placed in the limelight and showered with attention.


These negative images of human interaction and behaviour are prevelent everywhere and are easily accessible to children. So called reality programmes on television, You-Tube on the internet, happy-slapping on mobiles, are but a few examples. Today, the shere quantity of images bombarding us is simply staggering. And more and more, the message behind those images are ones that depict the worst of human behaviour. As these sources of information and knowledge become the primary point of reference for children, it's no wonder that society as a whole suffers.


Of course the internet, mobile videos and such like are relatively new forms of communication and cannot be blamed entirely for the decline of good manners in society. However, since the 1980's as the forms of communication became more accessible and as the amount of time parents had available to be with their children declined, the gradual ebbing away of our values began. Over the past decades many people have complained about the violence in movies, the dumbing down of television and the messages potrayed in various styles of popular music. Most of these people were ridiculed and marginalized. They were accused of being old-fashioned and out of date. Today, many of us regret not having listened to them. It is now impossible to turn back the clocks. The world of communication is a multi-headed Medusa, cut one of and another grows back. Since no one in the media takes responsibility for their actions or decisions (and it's almost impossible to know who to blame), unless there is a widespread popular demand for change, there is little that will change.


This paints a gloomy picture. Sadly it places further preasures on parents. With so many demands on us in our daily lives this has become an additional one that many simply cannot deal with.


At the beginnng of this century, while suffering from a bout of profound disillusinment with the world, my brother told me that we were entering the age of Aquarius. This meant that we would be in an age of peace and tolerance. So far I have seen little proof of that. My conclusion, perhaps we can't change the world but it costs very little to give up a seat on the bus to an elderly person. It takes very little to be polite on the phone. It takes very little to accept blame when we are in the wrong and not to fault others when they are. If we start with ourselves, maybe others will catch on.


Thank you for reading this.




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